Dang Ni
by frozenfemale
Summary: I hated partings, but I knew I would have to go through some. I want to stay in this time, this place forever… but…I looked at him.… it would be meaningless if you were to move on...


A/N: Nayahahaha… it has been a LONGGGG time that I've been here. I'm really sorry to those whom I may have promised to review and didn't and to those who have been waiting for Terror for too long a time. (Though personally I think they don't really remember the story : ) ) Anyways… after the long break, I'm not exactly back… this is just a one–shot angst ficcy. It's about two guys… but it's not meant to be yaoi. I don't know how you guys would see it… I'm just clearing up the intention. It was not meant to be a yaoi fic. And I think one of the characters is kinda marred. It's very un-him to be like that… but this story was written for a friend of mine… and I could not help but make him sound like that. (Talking about that, there is a term for that isn't it? If there is, on fanfiction, can someone refresh my memory?) Btw… this fic is dedicated to the one it was written for. As in my usual fic, the song is written in bold and italic type. The name of this fiction is taken from the song itself... Dang Ni, which means "While You..."

**Title: Dang Ni**

_ I've always believed the closer you get to someone, the more frank you should be with each other. I've always believed that the closer one draws to another, the room to be hurt by words and deeds would diminish. _

_ That is what _**I**_believed. The room to be hurt would diminish... but someone once said to me that the closer you get to someone, the more careful you should be with your words, the more sensitive you should be to the relationship, the more tender you should care for the person. Is there truth in that? Should we not be more open to each other? _

_ Maybe it works differently for different people. I don't really know myself, but I do know that I have never really allowed people to get too close to me. I don't mind being alone, especially in the midst of noisy people whom I cared not about. But I'm emotional… a little too emotional. And I do understand that one of the things I fear most is… being hurt. I never understood that though. As far as I am concerned, I don't think I've ever really been hurt. But… the idea of it just petrifies me. I know that sounds kinda weird coming from me… considering who I am… but it does._

_ Then… I met a guy several years ago. We met when we were about eleven. Up till now I've never really found out what exactly attached and attracted me to him. But I know that our friendship grew. It didn't grow fast, but it grew strong. I _**minded **_being alone when I was amongst him… and sometimes… sometimes I felt kinda "hurt" around him. I didn't know why, I didn't know how. But this guy had changed my whole outlook on relationships, and I didn't like the feeling of being thrown about in my own mind, in my own understanding. After all, I'm supposed to be a genius… I'm suppose to know everything…_

_ Anyway… we soon found out own group of peers as we grew. There were five of us close friends… yet I found myself being closer to him than anyone else. _

_ However, he ended up being special to me in a way I could not fathom. I really don't know how our relationship grew so strong… in fact I don't even know if our relationship grew strong. I know he meant a lot to me, but I don't know exactly how much _**I**_meant to him. And… though I don't know much, I do know that I have allowed him to come closer to me than I've ever allowed anyone to. I believed that I've allowed him to come a little closer to me than I would have liked anyone to be. _

_ Now, I'm on the verge of wondering if I'm normal. In normal circumstances, I would have thought of myself on the brink of insanity. This is not a normal circumstance, however, and I know I'm not on the brink of insanity. Deep down, I believe I am normal. But if I was… why did these things haunt me so?... Why did _**he **_haunt me so?..._

I broke out of my reverie as the person I was thinking of called my name.

'Yo…' he greeted as he reached me.

'Nyahahaha… have you missed the Tensai?' I asked.

'Nah… no one even realizes when you aren't around.'

'We'll see about that,' I replied as he placed himself opposite me on the white swing I was on.

My heart sighed. My soul was burdened with things I understood not.

He sensed something. His concerned eyes raked me from top to bottom.

'You okay?' he asked quietly.

'Hmmm?'

'You okay or not?... You don't look okay.'

I didn't reply.

'Oi…' he continued looking at me. I looked up and met his eyes for a moment.

_Why do you mean so much to me? Why am I so spoilt towards you? Why do I whine so much around you? Why are you the person I yearn to talk to when I'm troubled? Why are you the first person I seek when we gather together with all out friends? Why am I so fearful that I'm disturbing your peace? Why am I so afraid to call? And… why do you seem to act differently around me? I may be thinking to hard… but you DO seem different towards me…_

I flicked my eyes away.

**_If one day, _**

**_ I could go back to the past,_**

**_ Or I could go ever so far away…_**

**_ Would you still think that I'm the best?_**

**_ If there's a day,_**

**_ When I would leave you far away,_**

**_ And I could be with you no more…._**

**_ Would you be aware that I've already said goodbye?_**

'I just don't understand…' I whispered.

'What?'

'Mmmm… nothing.'

'Oiii… what is it?'

'Nothing. I'm ok.'

'No you're not! Don't lie! Tensai(s) don't lie.'

I raised my eyebrows a little.

'You're stealing my lines!'

His eyes twinkled and he shrugged. After a moment's pause, he asked again.

'What's wrong?'

'Nothing's wrong… and I'm not lying.'

'Then why are you not okay?'

'Who said I'm not okay?'

'I do…'

I didn't answer for a while. Instead I looked at him. Then, turning my eyes away, I replied, 'People can still be not okay when everything is right…'

There was a long pause between us. The trees swayed in the light breeze, whispering. The bird's singing seemed a little too loud in our silence.

'Ok… then wh–' he was cut off when another friend of ours shouted from the school classroom. It seems that he saw Youhei's crush cheerleading.

He looked at me for a moment, then back at the guy. He made his decision immediately.

'Forget about her!' he shouted back.

'What nonsense?' I asked.

'I don't want to see her.'

'Yes, you do…'

'No I don't!'

'Don't listen to him! He wants to see… come and pull him along!' I shouted to our friend. After all, he loved that girl with his whole heart... while I … I didn't really know who I loved if it wasn't him. I didn't love Haruko… though it sure did seem to others that I did. Others excluding him, that is. I loved _him_ as a friend… through, but that love was so deep… I really really did not understand it.

'No! I don't!' He quickly got off the swing to tell our friends that he didn't want to see her.

I smiled… and I sighed.

'I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure if you are of the same mind. But… the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear,' I quoted George Eliot. A sad smile played on my lips, for I knew that though I totally agreed with him, I myself could never find the guts to tell _him _how much he meant to me. I could never summon enough courage to tell him that I did love him.

From the swing, I saw him laughing as she gave what I believed to be nonsensical reasons as to why he had no heart to see her. The way he laughed….

**_When your eyes are closed in laughter, _**

**_ While you're drinking a coke,_**

**_ I wanna treat you well…_**

**_ It's just that you're unaware of it._**

**_ And I'm left thinking and thinking of you,_**

**_ Till it becomes a habit._**

**_ When you tell me of your troubles,_**

**_ When you say that you can't sleep at night, _**

**_ I just wanna tell you,_**

**_ That I still love you,_**

**_ It's just that I'm scared it doesn't come out right…_**

**_ Do you know?_**

****He returned to the swing.

'You ah…'

I looked at him innocently.

'So mean…' he continued in perfect imitation of me when I was eleven. I squealed in irritation.

'You are so… err… ergh!!!' I hated it when he did that. Up till now I could not imagine sounding like such a sissy. He merely grinned though.

'Why don't you go see her? I know you want to.'

'No I don't,' He replied.

'Thou shall not lie to the Tensai.'

He laughed.

'So, what's wrong?'

'Nothing…'

_I could not ever explain it to him… even if I tried. _

'Okay… so why are you like this?'

'Like what?'

'Hanamichi…'

I sighed.

'You don't want to know.'

'Huh?'

'Trust me… you don't want to know,' I reiterated.

**_If there was a time,_**

**_ When dreams came true, _**

**_ And if they were to last forever…_**

**_ Would you still remember today?_**

**_ If there was a day,_**

**_ We both came to realize_**

**_ That everything is ok…_**

**_ Would we still stay at this place?_**

****'Goodness… Hanamichi, just tell me.'

'I can't…'

'Why? It concerns me is it?'

I paused.

'If it does, why should I not be told about it?' he continued.

'Huh?'

'Well, cause we're both in it together… it **concerns me**, why shouldn't I know about it?'

I chose my words carefully.

'Cause you won't want to know about it, cause I don't know how to explain it… and cause the problem is me. It just concerns you, but you're not the problem.'

Silence enveloped us again.

'I'm sorry,' I said. He often made me feel bad. He never got excited at times like this, and he was always gentle. I, on the other hand, am always excited. Sometimes, I seemed to be scolding him when I was not.

'No lar… it's okay.'

This time, I let the silence gnaw our bones for a little longer. Then, I asked him, 'What do you think would happen to us when we go off to further our studies?'

'To our relationship?'

I nodded.

'I… dunno. It would feel weird though.'

_Could a relationship like ours be broken by space? I didn't even need to think about the answer…_

_ Of course it could. _

_I hated partings, but I knew I would have to go through some. _

_ I want to stay in this time, this place forever… but…_

I looked at him.

_… it would be meaningless if you would move on. _

_ **Maybe I'm thinking too much,**_

**_ Or… I may be unlucky,_**

**_ But I've come to believe that in my dreams,_**

**_ It's better not to say what I want to say._**

****'Oii…'

'Mmmm?'

'What's bothering you?'

I looked into his eyes.

**_When your eyes are closed in laughter,_**

**_ While you're drinking a coke,_**

I sighed and looked away.

'What would you say if I said you?'

'Why?' he asked softly, gently.

I found my eyes drawn back to him.

**_I wanna treat you well…_**

**_ It's just that you're unaware of it._**

'If I said I don't know?'

**_And I'm left thinking and thinking of you,_**

**_ Till it becomes a habit._**

****'You do know….'

**_When you tell me of your troubles,_**

**_ When you say you can't sleep at night,_**

****'I'm not sure…'

**_I just wanna tell you,_**

**_ That I still love you,_**

****'But…'

'…But… I believe that you've come to mean too much. Too much for me to handle. Too much more compared to… compared to the line I drew. You stepped across it.'

_Or maybe it's just that you've come to mean too much to me, but I don't know how much I mean to you. I hate not knowing, but I was powerless to do otherwise, coz I could never find the courage to tell you what I feel. _

_ Maybe… _

**_It's just that I'm scared it doesn't come out right…_**

**_ …_**

**_ …_**

**_ Do you know?... … _**

A/N: Yikes… was it that bad? I'm sorry… I still stand by it that it's not a yaoi fic. I may be a littttttllllleeee bit shounan-ai… but it ain't yaoi. : Oh well… thanks for reading and bearing with it anyhow. Sorry to all sakuragi fans... I didn't mean to make him sound like that... but he just sounded like how I would have sounded, I guess...


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